Leadership

Should Your Kids Get An Allowance?

Whether or not to give kids an allowance, and how to do it right, can be a topic of hot debate among parents. “People differ strongly on this,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archiblad. “Many parents tend to revert to whatever they had growing up—but denying your child an allowance just because you didn’t have one isn’t a great idea. You’re doing your girl a disservice if you wait until she can legally make money to learn how to manage finances.”

Getting an allowance, and then making financial decisions with the money she accumulates over time, will teach her about the difference between wants and needs, the rewards of saving, and yes, even the dangers of impulse spending. “If your girl puts away her allowance for two months to get a new game or toy she’s been wanting, she’ll appreciate it and value it even more than if it was just handed to her,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes. Talk to her about her options and help set the pattern of saving, spending, and sharing with a charitable cause. Using cash in front of her, rather than credit or debit cards, will also help her see how real money is exchanged, and help her understand the real value and potential of the money she has.

Dr. Bastiani Archibald advises to give children weekly allowance in relation to their age—50 cents or a dollar per year (so a 10 year old would either get $5 or $10 a week)—and that you don’t tie it to chores or other responsibilities at home. “Of course your daughter should have chores around the house, as they teach her responsibility and teamwork, but she shouldn’t be rewarded with money for doing them,” she says.  “That kind of allowance structure could lead to a mindset where she expects rewards for doing just the bare minimum in life—not an attitude that will get her very far!”

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

6 Everyday Ways to Bust Gender Stereotypes

Want to make sure the girls in your life know they can do and be anything they want? Then it’s time to flex some muscle and start busting gender stereotypes! Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. puts it this way: “Kids have this amazing, natural ability to see the world as limitless, but when adults signal that certain things or behaviors are off limits for kids based on their gender, their worlds get smaller and smaller—and that’s not just sad, it can be damaging as well.”

Obviously, every parent has the best intentions, but sometimes it’s possible to unknowingly promote stereotypes that can fence your girl in. To make sure she understands she can accomplish anything she wants in life, try these six easy tips and encourage your friends, family, and neighbors to do the same!

  1. Let toys be toys—for girls and boys!
    Make sure your children get a wide variety of toys to play with. You never know what they’ll gravitate toward or why. “Maybe your son will love the mini kitchen playset, because he sees you cooking every day and wants to be like you,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “On the other hand, your toddler daughter might like toy trucks because she sees them drive through your neighborhood and likes to create scenarios around the things she encounters in her everyday world.” The point is that you won’t know what your child might really be into unless she’s given options and encouraged to seek out what interests her most. And if she prefers dolls over dump trucks? So be it! “There’s nothing wrong with a girl who loves playing tea party while wearing a dress, as long as it’s her choice and not the only option presented her.”
  2. Plan meaningful meet-ups
    Expose your children—boys and girls!—to women who’ve followed all sorts of paths in life. Your local fire department just hired a female firefighter? Stop by the station to say hi and thank her for her service. The woman next door is a computer programmer? Fantastic! Encourage your children to ask her about her career. “Women, even those with very successful careers in male-dominated fields, are still too often seen by children only as the ones who fix the snacks for the weekend soccer game,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Helping your little ones understand that the women in their lives have interests, passions, and careers outside of the family life they see will expand your children’s horizons and show them all the things women can be and do.” And don’t stop there! Look for kid-friendly biographies and autobiographies that showcase the amazing and wide-ranging achievements of girls and women all over the world. “She may not have the opportunity to meet a Supreme Court Judge or an astronaut in her neighborhood,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but that shouldn’t keep her from meeting the phenomenal women in those roles through books!”
  3. Watch, then talk
    After watching a movie or TV show with your girl, set aside some time to talk about what you’ve just seen, making sure to discuss how different genders were portrayed. Was the “smart” girl portrayed as nerdy or not as cool as the others? Was the main character male or female, and if he was male, would the story have made sense if they’d reversed that character’s gender? Explain that because TV shows and online videos have a short period of time to tell a story, they too often rely on visual cues—often stereotypes—to quickly communicate ideas about their characters. As Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes, “the more we help our girls look critically at the media and come to understand the negative impact of gender stereotypes, the better equipped they’ll be to defy them throughout their lives.”
  4. Think before you speak
    The way you speak about the women in your life (and yourself!) has a huge impact on the way your girl views herself. Be honest: When you give compliments to your girlfriends, your sisters, or your female coworkers, are they mainly about the things they wear or how they look? Try broadening what you praise in other women by noting the smart comment they made in a meeting, her ability to stay calm under pressure, or even her thoughtfulness for calling you during a busy day. “We need to do more to show girls all that they’re valued for,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Of course you think your girl is beautiful, and there’s no reason to not tell her so sometimes, but she—and all the women in your world—need to know they’re valued for so much more than just their looks.” And the same goes for negative comments. When your daughter hears you talking negatively about the way you or another woman looks, she’s learning to pick apart her own looks and judge others based on appearances. She’s looking to you as a role model in life, so if you want her to be kind to herself, you can show her how by being good to yourself first.
  5. Remember that chores have no gender
    When it comes to household responsibilities, families so often assign tasks in a very old-fashioned way without even realizing it. If you have a girl and a boy, does your daughter typically take care of domestic things like washing the dishes and setting the table, while your son is doing more physical tasks like mowing the lawn or climbing ladders to replace lightbulbs? “Put household responsibilities on a rotating schedule, so that everyone gets to try their hand at everything,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Having mastered these skills will benefit both your girls and your boys, showing them that there’s no such thing as men’s work or women’s work—it’s all just work!”
  6. Embrace Adventure
    Have an open weekend where you and your girl could do pretty much whatever you wanted? There’s nothing wrong with getting your nails done for some quality time, but make sure that’s not what you’re doing every time (or even most of the time) when you have a chance to bond. Change it up! Grab a basketball and head to the courts in your local park. Check out the new laser tag place in town to see what the fuss is all about. Heck, grab some wheels and cruise on over to the skate park. Engaging girls in active sports, especially those not traditionally seen as “ladylike” helps her see her body as strong and capable, and not just “pretty.” Plus, it’ll teach her from an early age that the fun of sports isn’t just something for boys to enjoy—she belongs in these places and on these teams, too.
 This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.
Leadership

Set Her Up For An Amazing Career

Who runs the world? Girls! Or at least they will soon. This generation of girls (probably including your daughter!) is seemingly more career-minded than any generation before them. Not so sure about that? Let’s look at the facts: a 2013 study by the Girl Scouts Research Institute found that 98 percent of girls want to have a job or career when they grow up, and that eight out of ten would rather make their own money than marry someone who could support them financially.

All that said, your ambitious girl likely has big ideas and dreams about her future in the working world, so follow these tips to help make her dreams come true!

  1. Take her to work
    If you have a career yourself—be it catering, woodworking, or managing the budget of a local company—make sure your daughter knows what it is you do at work all day by actually taking her with you once in a while! Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, which falls on the fourth Thursday of every April, is an excellent opportunity to do just that, but if that isn’t convenient for you, your company, or your girl’s school schedule, consider bringing her in one day during her summer holiday. Once you’ve gotten your boss’s approval for your daughter’s visit, you can start planning your day. Take her on a tour of your workplace, introduce her to colleagues, and make sure to explain what you’re doing and why so she understands your contributions to the team.  Seeing you in your element, learning about the skills necessary to perform your job, and understanding why your job makes you feel good about yourself will inspire her and help her sharpen her own future goals. And if you’re a stay at home parent? Ask family members, neighbors, or friends if your daughter can tag along with them for a day.
  2. Talk about her passions
    Whether your daughter says she wants to be an astronaut or a fashion designer (or both!) when she grows up, ask her what she finds so cool about those jobs and help her learn more about what it takes to succeed in those areas. Nurture and support her dreams by helping her find age-appropriate books related to the field or fields she’s most interested in. Of course she may change her mind a few times or lose interest in a certain career path after learning more, and that’s okay! The key is to broaden her horizons and help her explore the limitless options in front of her.
  3. Help her find a role model (or ten)
    Work together to identify some women who have accomplished the goals your daughter has set for herself in life. If these people live or work in your town, see if you can set up  meet and greets so your daughter can learn a bit more about their work. If these people are more not as accessible, help your girl to reach out via social media or through a letter to ask about these women’s career paths and what advice they might have to share. You might not hear back from everyone, but you’d be surprised how many women want to encourage the dreams of girls!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Cookies

Help Her Be Financially Savvy For Life (Even If…

Your girl is going to need to know how make smart decisions when negotiating pay, budgeting, spending, saving, and investing later in life—and it’ll all be a lot easier for her if she starts learning now.  And the great news is that you don’t have to be a financial whiz to help her learn all about money matters. Borrow these fun (yes, we said fun!) ways to help your daughter get comfortable managing money. She’ll learn a lot in the process, and you just might pick up a thing or two as well!

1.  Play with money
When your girl is old enough to do very basic math (addition and subtraction), get some fake money at a toy store, or make your own using colorful construction paper—your girl can help!—and then set up a “shop” with some of her toys and books. Put prices on the objects and then give her some of the fake money to spend. She’ll love play-acting a situation she sees you in all the time at the market or department store, and she’ll get a healthy dose of financial literacy training out of it, too!

2.  Get competitive
Designate one evening each week to “game night” and choose games that involves buying, selling, budgeting, investing, and money strategies in general. Classics like Monopoly and The Game of Life are obvious choices, but newer games including The Settlers of Catan teach an even richer variety of financial lessons, including the value of relationships and partnerships, patience (she should know there’s no such thing as a legit get rich quick scheme!), and the importance of diversifying your investments.

3.  Let her be a CEO
Running her own business is a sure-fire way to help her understand the value of hard work and the satisfaction of earning, but make sure to help her learn the all-important lessons of how she handles the money she earns once she’s closed up shop. Programs like the Girl Scout Cookie program help girls set financial goals, handle transactions, keep track of her earnings, and budget for the things she wants to spend them on. These kinds of hands-on experiences will help her thrive as she becomes a financially independent adult. So, whether she’s selling lemonade or Thin Mints, make sure to talk to your girl about her experiences and encourage her along the way!

4.  Help her finance a party
Her birthday is such a special time of year—a time to recognize her growth and the joy she brings to your family every day—but it can also be a perfect time to help her hone her money skills—especially if you’re planning to host a party in her honor. At least a month in advance, tell your girl that since it’s her big day, you want her to be able to make some of the important decisions involving what it will be like, how many guests will be invited, and where it will be held. Sit down with her and help her make a list of all the things she’d like to have at her party. Perhaps those include a cake, decorations, entertainment, a fun activity, and snacks.  Make sure to also discuss location—having it at home won’t cost a dime, but hosting the party at the local roller rink or laser tag arena will take a chunk out of her budget! Once she’s come up with her list, help her find out the prices for each of the things she wants (even if they’re outlandish!). If her “dream party” comes in over budget—and it’s not a bad thing if it does—help her prioritize the elements that are most important to her and spot places where she might be able to save a few dollars. If she really wants to have her party at the zoo, but the cost of admission eats up a bunch of the budget, perhaps she invites fewer friends. Or if the fancy cake she’d been thinking of will cost a bundle, perhaps she can make a simpler cake at home. In the end, she’ll feel ownership and pride in the event, and will take away a ton of money smarts, too!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

How To Raise Independent Kids (Without Losing Your Mind)

Raising independent children is a major goal of healthy parenting and obviously so important. They’ll do better in school, be less likely to give into peer pressure when they know something isn’t right, have brighter careers, and generally know how to take care of themselves in a healthy, happy way.

But there is one thing you’re going to have to do if you’re going to instill her with an independent spirit—you’re going to have to let go a bit. And loosening the reigns can come with a teeny bit of parenting anxiety. “You’ll likely always think of her as your little girl—no matter how old she is—and your instinct might be to want to keep a watch over her and hold her hand through everything she does,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. “The truth is, though, that by giving her age-appropriate levels of independence and freedom, she’ll have a better chance of developing into a young woman who can stand on her own two feet and really succeed in whatever career or lifestyle she chooses.” And who doesn’t want that for their girl, right?

No matter your girl’s age, there are super simple ways to boost her independence little by little. Try out these tips and watch her grow and flourish before your eyes!

If She’s a Toddler or in Preschool…
Independent play is a great way to set her up as a self-starter. It’s only natural for her to want you to play with her—and interactive play is important to her development as well—but start setting aside some time for her to play by herself. Here’s how to do it: Set her up with some of her favorite toys, and then start doing an entirely different activity in the same or an adjacent room. As she plays by herself, she’ll have the security of knowing you’re nearby (and you can keep an eye on her!) while she tests the kiddie-pool waters of independence.

If She’s in Elementary School…
Making and packing her own lunch for school or camp will make her appreciate her mid-day meal a little bit more (who knew it took time and effort to make a sandwich?!)—plus, it will give her important life skills that will help her be more independent in the years to come. If she’s in early grades, work with her to make the lunch each day, giving her only the most age-appropriate tasks like putting the apple slices you’ve cut up into a sandwich baggie. As she gets older and is more responsible, she can experiment with making her own sandwiches or wraps.

If She’s in Middle School…
Depending on her maturity level, she’s probably ready to be left home alone for short periods of time. Before you head out and leave her as the queen of the castle, though, make sure to spend time teaching her how to handle emergency situations, going over house rules, and even addressing what to do if someone rings the doorbell or knocks on your front door. Make sure emergency numbers are kept by the phone and that you’ve come up with a list of activities she is allowed to do (or not) while you’re out. Stay nearby in the neighborhood the first time or two so you can get home quickly just in case. All of these things will build her confidence in being able to hold down the fort, and show her just how independent and strong she can be!

If She’s in High School…
Chances are, your older girl likes to go out with her friends and wishes she could stay out with them even later than her curfew. Instead of flatly saying, “no,” next time she asks, explain that if she wants something so grown up as a later curfew, she’s going to need to negotiate for it like she’s more grown up! Let her know you’re willing to hear her out, but that she’ll need to give you strong reasons why she needs a later curfew (it being “not fair” or “everyone else has a later one” doesn’t count!) and also offer up examples of how responsible she is or how and how often she might check-in with you, so that you’ll know you can trust her with a later curfew. Being a good negotiator is a huge step in being more independent that she’ll use throughout her life. And hey, if she’s got good points and has a good track record of being trust-worthy and making her earlier curfew, you might just want to let her stay out that extra 30 minutes.

This article originally appeared in GirlScouts.org.

Cookies

Help Her Save for a Big Purchase

You love your girl, so it’s only natural to want to fulfill her every desire and dream. In fact, like many parents, you probably sometimes wish you had even more to give her. All that said, there are times when the greatest gift you could give your girl is to not give her the things she wants, and instead to help her earn and save up for them herself. “That’s part of the gift of financial independence, one of the greatest gifts of all,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani-Archibald. “Learning how to budget money and spend it well at an early age can help her confidently make financial decisions for the rest of her life.”

And the truth is, this kind of real-life experience with money is something girls are hungry for. In a recent study conducted by Girl Scouts Research Institute, the top three financial literacy skills girls said they were hoping to learn were how to save money and plan for future goals in general, to make big purchases later in life—like a car or a home, and to pay for their education.

So how can you set her up to be a lifelong saver? Dr. Bastiani-Archibald says it’s simpler than you might think. “The next time your girl asks for something new—not an essential like socks or a backpack if hers has gotten worn out, but something that would be a treat, like a video game system or a new bike—explain the difference between wants and needs and tell her you’re excited to help her come up with a plan to save the money she’ll need to buy it herself.”

If she doesn’t already have a bank account, take her to the bank and help her set one up, then talk with her about how she will use the money she has and future money she may get through her allowance, small jobs she takes on, or holiday gifts.  “Teaching kids the ‘spend, save, give’ model of money management can be really helpful,” says Dr. Bastiani-Archibald. “Together, you can decide what percentage of her money she should put toward her big purchase, how much she should set aside for other spending, and how much she’ll give to benefit her community.”

Depending on her age, you can make a chart to hang in her room to keep track of her saving progress, help her follow along with her passbook from the bank, or encourage her to set up her own mini spreadsheet to keep track of her finances.

Help her celebrate milestones in her savings (the half-way point is a big deal, and also a time when she may need some encouragement to keep going!) and tell her how proud you are of the smart money decisions she’s making. By the time she’s saved up enough to make her big purchase, she will have learned important financial literacy skills that will last a lifetime.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

How to Deal When Her Friends Have More (Or…

Talking about money can make even the bravest, strongest among us squirm. Many of us were brought up to believe it’s impolite or even flat-out rude to bring up income, wealth, or financial struggles in conversation. But let’s face facts: Kids want to be like other kids, and when money matters come into play, they can feel ashamed about having less—or guilty over having more—than their friends. Financial inequality can be tricky for adults to navigate without having hurt feelings, but when you’re a child and are just learning about these things, it can be even harder to wrap your head around something that can seem unfair and beyond their control.

Obviously, regardless of your family’s financial situation, it’s important to help your girl realize and value the intangibles that she is rich in, above all else. She’s likely rich in friends, love, safety, joy, and so much more. And those are all things money can’t buy. Still, celebrating those things might not erase the hurt feelings that can happen when wealth inequality shows its face on the school playground.

It’s only natural for a girl to feel left out if she can’t afford to go the concert all her friends are going to, or if she doesn’t have the money to get the sneakers all her friends are rocking this year. “Don’t ignore her feelings,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Tell her that you understand why she’s disappointed, and then work together to try to find solutions to her real problem.” For example, if she’s worried about missing out on time with her friends at the concert, suggest that she invite friends over for a free or inexpensive activity that the girls can all get excited about, and that she can feel ownership of—like a sleepover, an afternoon of baking cookies, or a weekend picnic and afternoon soccer game. If she wants a certain brand of clothing or a particular video game that your family can’t afford to buy for her, help her save up for it herself. “Of course you should discuss what she can spend her own money on, but if it’s something reasonably appropriate that will make her feel like one of the group at school, there’s no need to discourage it—it just might take her a while to gather enough money!”

Another tool that can help combat the left-out feeling is confidence. Every girl in school could be wearing a certain brand of jeans, but if your daughter shows up in something totally different (i.e. something your family can actually afford!)—and wears it with pride and confidence—others might take note and start following her lead. Sometimes being different or not having as many resources available to you can actually help you be a leader!

All this said, sometimes kids with more money than their peers get teased or shunned on the playground—and that can feel rotten, too. If other children in your girl’s class—or even her friends!—call her “spoiled” or accuse her of “showing-off,” it could be because they feel uncomfortable  about not having as much as she does; but it could also be a sign that your daughter is being anything-but-modest about the things she has and places she gets to go. “Of course she feels excited about the new outfit she got over the weekend, or wants to talk about the vacation your family took over break,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but what she might not realize is that the other kids don’t have the same access to those pricier things.” Tell her that although it’s fun to share the things we’re excited about with friends, it’s important to not seem boastful about them, since that can lead to hurt feelings.

Talking directly about money matters can take some getting used to, but the more you discuss dollars (and sense) with your children, the more they’ll realize their financial status is nothing to be ashamed of. Bonus? Talking about money with your girl today will help set her up for a brighter financial future tomorrow. Win, win!

 This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.
Leadership

6 Tricks to Boost Her Confidence

You want your daughter to dream big and achieve huge things in her life—and the first step to that kind of success is helping her to believe she can do anything she sets her mind to. Steal these six boost-her-up secrets from Girl Scouts’ resident Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald and watch her confidence soar.

  1. Catch her being clever
    Kids are so terrific at observing life’s funniest, most puzzling, and inspiring moments. When your daughter helps you see a situation in a different light, tell her why what she said is so interesting and how she changed your thinking. It matters to her that you’re really listening, and that you appreciate what she has to contribute (which is a lot!).
  2. Switch up the compliments
    If she’s used to being praised on her looks (or even her singing voice or on her soccer prowess), make sure to tell her how great she is at other things, too. She’s got many talents, and should know that they’re all valuable—that her identity doesn’t have to depend on any one of them. As far as talking about how cute she is (I mean, come on, she’s adorable!) it’s fine to tell her she looks nice, but make sure those comments are sprinkled in amongst applause for her numerous skills and talents. She’s way more than just a pretty face!
  3. Work up a Sweat
    Whether you initiate an impromptu yoga session in the living room or challenge her to a round of hoops on the driveway, getting active with your daughter will boost her endorphins (and, thus, her mood) and also help her appreciate just how much her awesome body really can do—instead of only focusing on the way it looks.
  4. Ask for Her Help
    Has your daughter aced almost every video game out there? Have her give you some pointers the next time she’s sitting down for a game. Or if she’s the queen of Instagram filters and you’re, well, a little challenged in that department, have her walk you through her favorites. Whatever she’s great at, call her out on it and let her be the teacher for once. Putting her in an expert role will show your daughter that you value her knowledge, and give her leadership skills, too!
  5. Let Her Set the Trends
    Show curiosity about whatever she’s into right now—whether that’s horses, astronomy, or, well, whatever! She looks up to you, so when she sees you’re interested in the things she likes, too, she’ll feel even more confident in her choices and sense of self.
  6. Cheer Her On
    There will be times when your daughter will want to try out for or audition for things that are highly competitive, and that might not work out for her—that’s a good thing! Don’t discourage her from attempting a challenge just because she might not get picked. Instead, tell her how happy it makes you when she tries new things and really puts herself out there—and that you’ll be proud of her no matter what happens.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

5 Reasons to Let Her Get a Pet

“Moooom? Daaad? Anyone? Can I get a pet? I promise I’ll take care of it!”

Sound familiar?

Even if your girl hasn’t started pleading for a puppy, a kitten, or even a mouse, chances are, she will soon. The truth is that while pets are fun and exciting, they’re also a huge, often years-long commitment. Just like any other member of your household, they’ll need care and love, plus healthy food to eat, exercise, and regular doctor’s visits. Unlike other members of your household (one hopes!) they also need to be cleaned up after in a more, well, shall we say hands-on way.  If your family isn’t able to provide any one of those things, you should probably think twice about getting a pet. That said? If you’ve got the time and resources to add a furry (or scaly or winged!) friend to your crew, know that helping to raise a pet can have major benefits for your daughter as long as she’s mature enough to handle it. (One good indicator is whether or not she can pour herself a bowl of cereal. If she can, she can also feed the dog!) Learn about all the ways getting a pet can help your daughter be her best—and then think about heading to the local shelter. Your daughter’s new BFF is waiting!

  1. It’ll teach her responsibility
    Having another creature (even a fish!) depend on her for very basic things like food will help her understand the need to sometimes put others’ needs before her own.
  2. Her empathy will grow
    Understanding that her kitten didn’t mean to knock over her jewelry box (oops!), will bring her one step closer to understanding and empathizing with people in her life who mess up sometimes.
  3. Animals spark curiosity
    How do fish breathe underwater? Why does her hamster like to be awake at night? Can cats really see in the dark? When she gets to know her pet—whichever species it may be!—she’ll have all sorts of questions that can spark an interest in science and nature.
  4. Pets reduce stress
    In today’s day, even kindergarten can be nerve wracking, but you can help counterbalance life’s stresses by getting a pet. Studies show that pet owners are calmer and more relaxed than non-pet owners!
  5. She’ll be her most confident self
    She’ll be proud to be a new pet owner, and knowing she can take care of her new friend will make her feel like she can conquer all kinds of other new challenges, too!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

Teach Her to Shut Down Haters with Confidence

We’re all working to create a more peaceful world, where people are respectful of each other and bullying is a thing in the past, but in the meantime, there’s a good chance your daughter will encounter at least one instance of someone talking behind her back or hurting her feelings at school. Hearing that your girl is going through a hard time can be heartbreaking, but instead of immediately stepping in and trying to fix the situation for her, Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald says it’s better to arm her with ways to handle the situation herself if possible. “You won’t always be there to help her get through these kinds of situations,” she says, “so giving her the skills to both cope and make a situation better on her own will truly help her in life.”

Your daughter might think she’s dealing with a hater, but the truth is that neither she nor you know what’s actually going on in this other girl’s life, or what her motivations are for her behavior. “Listen to your daughter, and take her emotions seriously,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald says, “but also take a step back to determine how serious the situation really is. Is this a case of a girl your daughter wants to be friends with not wanting to be besties with her? A situation like that can be hurtful, but as long as the other girl is being respectful, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that behavior.” Explain to your daughter that different personalities sometimes just aren’t a natural match—but that this one girl’s lack of interest in friendship doesn’t mean she won’t find other girls who want to be friends in her class or on the playground. Encourage her to stop wasting energy on the one girl who doesn’t want to team up, and to instead focus on all the other potential friends she could be making. Just sitting at a different lunch table or trying out a different game at recess could open her world to a whole new group of kids.

That said, if what’s bothering her goes beyond a personality mismatch, to the point where another child is spreading rumors or purposefully doing things to humiliate your daughter or hurt her feelings, she might need some help on how to handle the situation. “It’s almost always effective to simply act as though the actions of the hater or bully don’t affect you, since usually the person in question wants a reaction and will get bored if nothing happens,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, but that’s often easier said than done.”

If your daughter wants to take action, urge her to resist the temptation to throw insults back at her bully or to say nasty things about her to others. That will only escalate the situation and bring your daughter down to the mean girl’s level. Instead, suggest that she ignore the taunts or mean behavior while others are around, and instead wait for a moment alone with the other person to bring up what’s been going on. “She can say something like ‘I’ve heard you’re saying these things about me—is that true?’ or ‘I’ve noticed you doing X, Y, Z’ and then ask the other girl why she’s been behaving that way,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, as it’s possible there’s been a misunderstanding between the two girls that could be cleared up in a one-on-one, non-accusatory conversation. If that’s not the case, and it’s clear the other girl simply doesn’t like your daughter, she can follow up by saying, “It’s okay if you don’t want to be friends, but I’d like to think we could at least be respectful of each other.” Help her practice using “I” statements like “When you _______, I feel ______.” Communicating her feelings clearly is a skill that will help your girl in situations throughout her life!

If none of this makes a difference, and your daughter is truly being tormented—or if there is a threat of violence—it’s time for you to step in. Talk to the parents of the girl in question and/or get a hold of school authorities who can help keep your daughter safe and help work out any conflicts that could be putting your daughter at risk.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.