10 Times She Shouldn’t Say “Sorry”

You’re raising your girl to be responsible for what she says and does, and know when and how to give a sincere apology when she messes up. But is she apologizing more than she needs to?

Studies show women are more likely than men to presume they were in the wrong or think their own actions might have upset someone, and those patterns start early. There could be many reasons for this, but some think girls and women are quick to apologize because they’re taught to “keep the peace” and be nurturers who put the emotional wellbeing and happiness of others first.

So often, girls and women start talking by saying, “I’m sorry, but I feel like [fill in the blank]”—and that sentence structure can literally become a habit.

The problem? When your girl apologizes for something that wasn’t her fault, others might start to see her as someone who is at fault. Someone whose shortcomings inconvenience others, even if that’s far from the case.

Read this list with your girl, and remind her that although it’s important to make amends when she’s truly done something wrong, apologizing when she hasn’t can undermine how others see her and damage her self-worth.

There’s no need to say “sorry”…

1. When someone bumps into her. She has just as much of a right to take up space in this world as anyone else.

2. When she tried her best. Maybe she didn’t win the science fair or make the basketball team, and that’s OK. Nobody’s perfect.  

3. When she’s not feeling well, even if it messes up plans for others. It’s not like she went around looking for germs.Help her focus on getting better instead of apologizing.

4. For leaving when someone makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. One of the most important things to explain to your girl is that she doesn’t need to “be polite” or stay in the same vicinity as someone who makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. She just needs to get out of there and tell a caring adult as fast as possible.

5. For her feelings. Some might be uncomfortable with your girl’s anger, sadness, or disappointment, but that doesn’t mean those feelings are bad or wrong.

6. For sticking up for herself. It takes guts to take a stand and defend yourself or others against bullies. Doing the right thing is never something to apologize for.

7. For having high expectations. Expecting the people in her life to follow through and keep their word isn’t a crime.

8. For setting boundaries. Whether a friend wants to cheat off her homework or someone is invading her personal space, she has every right to say no.

9. For sharing knowledge. Knowing her stuff and using information to help others is awesome. Someone else’s insecurity is not your girl’s problem.

10. For her appearance. Who does she get dressed for in the morning? Herself. If others don’t like it, that’s fine.  

So what can she say instead of sorry? Tell your girl to start by saying how she’s feeling in short, declarative sentences. So instead of “I’m sorry, I have a question,” she could say, “I have a question.” Skipping the apology doesn’t make her rude—in fact, it puts apologies back in their rightful role as a way to make amends when she’s actually done something hurtful or wrong.

Stress to your girl the importance of speaking with intention. Apologizing for no reason or when she’s not at fault dilutes the sentiment. Have her save it for when it counts. When it’s heartfelt and for the right reasons, the power of “sorry” will be more meaningful both to her and to the person on the receiving end!

Help Her Find Her Girl Squad

Your Daughter Doesn’t Have to be Friends with Everyone

You want a lot of things for your daughter, and a life rich in friendships is definitely among them. Having a great partner in crime (or two or three or five!) will give her a sense of belonging, enrich her sense of self, teach her about compassion and loyalty, and boost her confidence as she grows up and experiences all life has to offer.

Friends are special in our lives. They’re the ones we count on when times get tough. They’re the ones who share our secrets and make every day more fun. Friends are precious, which is why they’re likened to precious metals in one of the most famous Girl Scout songs of all time. But although the beloved lyrics insist we should “make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold,” nowhere do they say “and by the way, you have to be friends with everybody”— which might be hard to swallow in this age of social media where one can have hundreds, thousands, or even millions of so-called “friends” online.

“Teach your daughter to have respect for and be kind to all people,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D., “but know that actual friendship is something different—something deeper—that will develop between your girl and some kids, but not others.” So, even if you had high hopes that your girl would want to be forever friends with the daughter of your closest friend, it might not work out that way, and that’s OK.

“What makes a good friend for one person might not make a good friend for another,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald continues. “Help her learn what makes a good friend for her specifically. Does she prefer outgoing children who will be eager to join her for adventures, or is she happier engaging in quiet play with other like-minded kids?” Choosing friends is a highly personal thing, and so many factors from your girl’s interests to her sense of humor will affect who she forms stronger bonds with. Your girl will feel happiest and most fulfilled in friendships that are based on those things rather than forced into being over a sense of obligation or guilt. And very young girls often don’t even know why they are friends with someone and not with someone else: they just click (or don’t) and that’s totally okay and normal.

All that said, tricky situations can arise when your daughter wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t return her feelings of friendship. “It’s only natural for her to be sad, confused, or even angry if the girl she wants to be friends with is less than excited to hang out with her,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “And it can also be hard for you as her parent, since you can’t imagine anyone not wanting your amazing daughter in their lives. But instead of picking up the phone and giving an earful to the other girl’s mother, take a step back and remember that just as you teach your daughter she can be friends with (and not be friends with!) whomever she wishes, this other girl has the same right.” Handling social disappointments gracefully is a skill we could probably all stand to work on—so unless you see signs of actual bullying or rude behavior toward your daughter, urge her to let it go and focus her energy on the friends she already has, or to seek out other, different children who might be looking for new friends, too.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Why Tolerance Isn’t Working

A lot of people talk about the importance of teaching our children “tolerance.” And those people? Well, their intentions might be good, but in reality, their actions may be doing more harm than good.

Why? Well, think about the very word “tolerance” and the kinds of things you tolerate. We tolerate pain when necessary. We tolerate a friend’s bad mood. We tolerate a stressful day at the office. None of those things are good, but they’re things we have to suffer through anyway. Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, breaks it down for us: “When we use the word ‘tolerance’ and teach kids to tolerate those who are different from themselves—whether in skin color, nationality, their belief system, the language they speak, how they choose to dress or represent themselves, their physical abilities, sexual orientation, or body shape and size—we’re reinforcing differences and implying that those people are somehow beneath or worth less than others, but that we need to ‘put up with them’ anyway.”

And that view, that some groups of people who are different from us are less valuable, is damaging to our society as a whole. We will never create a culture free from fear, hate crimes, and targeted violence if we continue to simply preach tolerance. Tolerance is not enough.

This isn’t an issue of simply seeing and celebrating our similarities—although, of course that’s important, too. It’s also about helping our kids acknowledge our differences and to know those differences are exciting, cool, and vital to our world. “As Americans, diversity is our biggest asset,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “The best inventions, the most innovative and progressive ideas come out of this diversity, and yet there are loud voices in the media and on national stages who are sending conflicting messages about that. We need to combat those sentiments at home, with our children first. We need to teach them to look beyond stereotypes, embrace people different from themselves—and to actually value the variety of beliefs, customs, ideas, and experiences that they bring to the table.”

So, how can you do that?

First, check out your own perceptions of and behavior toward people who are different from you or your family. Your children learn how to navigate this world by watching you—so model inclusion and respect. Mention the attributes that make people in your life different from you and talk about why you think those things are interesting, wonderful, beautiful, or valuable. Tell your daughter how and why it’s important for you to hear different opinions of your friends, even those you might not agree with, because they help you learn and grow as a person.

Remind your kids that when they hear people saying hateful things about a person or group of people based on the color of their skin, background, or other distinguishing characteristics, that what they’re hearing is a stereotype. “Explain to your child that sometimes instead of taking the time to get to know or understand a person or a group, some people will take a short cut and make assumptions about them instead,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Talk to her about how stereotypes might play out in her life. For instance, if she’s in third grade, ask her if all third grade girls look like she does, act like she does, and think like she does. When she says, ‘No,’ make the connection between that kind of broad-stroke thinking and the kinds of stereotypes she might be hearing both on the playground at school and in the media.”

And perhaps most importantly, help introduce your children to a variety of people from all backgrounds and experiences. If the people in your friend group and social circle in general are very similar in most ways to your family, take the time to branch out and get to know some people who look, think, or live their lives in a different way than you do. Perhaps a local business is run by a family of a different ethnicity than yours, or maybe your neighbors practice a religion you aren’t too familiar with. Get to know these people! Yes, there may be some obvious differences between you, but chances are you also have many things in common. When your children see you not simply tolerating, but actually including people who are different from yourself, they will be more likely to do the same.

But what do you do if your child is the one who’s “different” in her school or town? What if she’s the one being treated differently or even bullied based on “isms” around her skin color, beliefs, or lifestyle? “No one wants to think that their child will be seen this way, but our world is far from perfect, and we know stereotyping and other hurtful behavior can start at an early age,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. Of course, just as any parent would, you want to encourage your child to be respectful and open. Going into a group situation by talking about something she has in common with the other children, be it a shared experience, a game they all enjoy playing, or a TV show or book that’s popular with most of her class—is a great way for any child to connect with others.

Still, many children learn prejudices from the adults in their lives, and might say hateful things or be abusive toward her. “If that happens,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “she needs to know that she can and should tell you or a trusted adult at school—and that you and her school administration will do everything in your power to keep her safe—emotionally and physically.” This isn’t even necessarily about disciplinary action (although it may need to be, depending on the situation), but more about finding ways to educate and open the minds of your child’s fellow-students. “It can feel very isolating and burdensome to be in this situation,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “because when it’s your child who’s facing prejudice, it often falls to you to take the lead and start working on solutions to the problem. Reach out to other parents and school officials (of all backgrounds—you might be surprised at who wants to be an ally) to form a network of support and start thinking of activities and other ways your child’s class and larger school community can be structured to foster inclusion and the best experiences for all.”

The bottom line? This might seem like a grown-up topic, but no child is too young to learn about appreciating and valuing other humans—especially those who might, at first glance, seem quite different from themselves. Talks around diversity, inclusion, and celebrating our differences need to be ongoing and present in our children’s lives, so get the conversation going if you haven’t already.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

5 Things Your Girl Might Say Instead of “I’m…

Being picked on, made fun of, or straight out bullied is traumatic in many ways—but it might also be something your girl feels uneasy telling you about. While you of course would want to support your girl in every way you can, she might worry that you’ll be disappointed in her—or even think the situation would only get worse if she asked for help. Additionally, there’s a chance that she doesn’t fully understand what’s going on or doesn’t want to be seen as overly sensitive, so she might not classify bullying behaviors as bullying—even when they clearly are. That said, she might be telling you something’s wrong in other ways. Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, has identified a few things your girls might say that could indicate a bigger problem.

1. “Can you drive me? I don’t feel like taking the bus.”
Sudden and repeated avoidance of her school bus, or of going to school altogether, can be a signal that those places feel unsafe to her. Try asking, “Who do you usually sit next to on the bus?” and see what she says. Or if she’s making excuses not to go to school, you could say something like, “I heard there’s been some bullying problems in our town. Do you ever see anybody being picked on or being treated badly at school? What happens?” The key is to look for any change in behavior. If she used to be fine with the school bus (or walking to school with friends, or any other activity) and suddenly wants to avoid it altogether, that’s a sign that something might not be OK.

2. “I lost my new notebook. Can we get a new one?”
Kids forget things on the playground or simply lose them from time to time, but if your girl seems to be losing her belongings all the time (or if her school supplies or clothes are routinely getting damaged), there’s likely something else going on. Saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been losing a lot of things lately. Do you think someone at school might be taking them from you on purpose to be mean?” or “I saw your backpack had some stuff written on it. Can you tell me about it?” gives your girl a safe opening to explain the situation.

3. “I’ll tell you about my day later, Mom. I really have to go to the bathroom first.”
Does your daughter always speed for the bathroom as soon as you get home? That could be a sign that she’s been bullied in the school bathroom (away from adult supervision) and now avoids using the school restroom altogether. Tell her you’ve noticed this new habit and ask if there’s a reason why she doesn’t use the restroom at school—maybe something bad or scary that keeps her from feeling safe there.

4. “I’ve just been cold lately. I’d rather leave my sweater on.”
If your girl seems to want to cover up her arms or legs more than usual, and even in warm weather or a heated home, it could be that she’s trying to hide bruises or cuts from a bully at school. Tell her you’ve been noticing that she’s acting differently and you might mention that sometimes kids hurt one another physically – other times with words.  Ask if she has ever witnessed this at school and what has happened?  Has she ever experienced it?  Let her know that you take both seriously and that if something like this is happening to her, you want her to come to you – to either strategize on how best to deal with it on her own or—so that you can deal with it together—perhaps by alerting a teacher or administrator.  Everyone deserves to feel safe at school.

5. “Practice was cancelled again, so I’ll be home right after school.”
It’s rare for sports practice or after-school clubs to be cancelled more than one week in a row. If your girl makes excuses to not go, or otherwise seems disinterested in group activities she used to enjoy, it’s possible that she’s being bullied by another child in that group. Try asking if she still likes that activity, or if she has friends or people she spends more time with on the team. If you know for a fact that practice wasn’t cancelled, let her know that, but make sure to let her know you’re not angry at her for lying, but more concerned about why she didn’t think she could be honest with you.  Dropping the team altogether or leaving the activity isn’t usually the best solution, so strategize with her (and her coach or activity leader, if necessary) to come up with alternatives.

The bottom line is to get your girl talking. Bullying can be a really tricky topic to get into, but it’s important to keep the lines of communication open—and for your girl to know you love her and are there to support her, no matter what. And remember, while it’s always great to cultivate independence and assist your daughter in solving social challenges directly and independently, bullying behavior can be more than many children can handle on their own.  Talk with her about your interest in alerting her teacher or an administrator at school to simply take a closer look at what’s going on, or to let them know about the situation. She needs to know you’re on her team.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Could Your Daughter Be The School Bully?

Imagine this: You’re going about your day and get an unexpected phone call from your girl’s school. She’s physically fine (phew!) but what is wrong seems like your worst nightmare. The principal says your child has been bullying another student at school.

“Not my daughter!” you might think, because of course you see the best parts of your girl—her kindness, her funny sense of humor, and more than anything, her sense of right and wrong. But the truth is that even though you’d never dream that your girl could be the “school bully,” really anybody, regardless of what a good person they are, can engage in bullying behavior. People (kidsand adults) can bully others from time to time for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people feel pressured into it or pick on others to fit in with a certain group, because they feel powerless in other situations, because they’re looking for attention, or because they’re having trouble working out their own emotions and don’t know how to deal with them in a healthy fashion. The truth is, most people have been on both sides of bullying at one point or another in their lives. Of course none of those reasons make this kind of behavior OK or acceptable in any way, but thinking about it in these terms can help you get past the defensiveness and onto the problem-solving part of working through this issue.

While it’s absolutely vital to call out bullying and to correct the behavior, know that that’s exactly what it is—a behavior, not an identity. “No one should be defined by her actions,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, “which is why we should get away from calling kids ‘bullies’ when they’ve been engaging in bullying behavior with others. Using that term implies there’s nothing more to that girl or boy than those actions, and can make a child feel as if that’s all they’ll ever be, that they have no potential to be better. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Your job, as a parent, is to find out what was going on with your girl to cause her to act in this way so you can help her to recognize her behavior – in this instance and potentially others — and avoid engaging in it in the future. How can you do this? Follow these steps from Dr. Bastiani Archibald:

1. Take a deep breath
Just because your girl may have done something hurtful or bad doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent! Friendships, especially among girls, can be very tumultuous and it’s fairly common for girls to engage in relational aggression with other girls rather than talking things out directly (the latter can be difficult for some girls). Focus on moving forward and helping your girl to be more respectful of other kids, to recognize her feelings and speak directly about them. Teaching her to talk out her frustrations or sad feelings can go a long way in giving her alternatives to more subtle but sometimes even more hurtful behavior.

2. Ask your daughter what happened
Talking about the issue and making sure your daughter feels heard, rather than simply punishing her, is super important when it comes to improving her behavior. It will also give you a better understanding of what she believes happened, why it did, and perhaps her role in the situation.

3. Recognize the incident for what it really is
If your girl has repeatedly taunted or teased another child, threatened them, or physically hurt them in any way—that’s straight up bullying behavior. Make sure your daughter knows that, and understands that bullying is damaging and likely unhelpful to what she wants to accomplish. However, if the other child says your girl was bullying her by not inviting her to a party, or by choosing other children to play with at recess, you have a bit more investigating to do. Sometimes exclusionary behavior is purposeful and ongoing, in which case it falls under the umbrella of bullying and relational aggression, for sure. But if it’s simply that your daughter doesn’t feel the same feelings of friendship as this other girl, and she’s never been disrespectful or pointedly singled her out from a group, your girl may not have been bullying anyone at all. “It’s up to your daughter to decide who she connects with and who she doesn’t,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Sometimes, when a girl wants to be friends with another girl, but those feelings aren’t returned, it can be mislabeled as bullying when, in fact, she should be encouraged to choose her own friends based on shared values and interests. Still, talk to your girl about how it feels to be left out and encourage her to include this girl in some larger group activities when possible.”

4. Squash victim blaming
There’s a good chance your daughter will want to tell you what the other kid was doing to provoke her or even deny that there was any bullying going on at all. In these instances, pay attention to her feelings as well as her actual words. If this is the case, try saying something like, “It sounds like you were feeling really frustrated,” and then alternatively, try to talk about her about how it could have felt to be in the victim’s shoes. She might not even realize that her actions were unkind, so engaging her in some empathetic thinking can get her to understand the impact of her behavior. Empathy is something we get better at as we get older, and this is a great opportunity for you to help her develop this important quality.

5. Help her make things right
If what your girl did fell under the bullying umbrella, help teach your girl the value of and the art of delivering a meaningful apology. It’s human to mess up, but it’s negligent to never admit to your shortcomings and how your actions may have affected others. Either in person or in writing, encourage your girl to be specific, in her own words, about what she did that was hurtful and to explain how she can imagine that made the other child feel. This apology isn’t about tossing blame around—so make sure she’s not just starting a fresh argument by saying, “I’m sorry I did this, but you did that first!”—rather, it’s about your daughter taking responsibility for her own actions and expressing her desire to do better next time.

You may not always be able to be there with your daughter, making sure she’s on her best behavior (and that’s OK—you’re setting her up to learn how to navigate this world on her own!), but there are some things you can do to check in on her social behavior and catch any potential signs of bullying straight away. Pay attention to who she’s hanging out with or talking to online. If any friends suddenly disappear from the picture, ask her what’s going on with them or why you haven’t seen them lately. Ask about the girls she sits with at lunch and who does most of the talking. Are there some kids who want to sit with her at lunch, but she doesn’t want them to? When she and her friends engage in activities, is it always your girl who picks what they’re going to do, or do they trade off? Are there any kids at school that others are unkind to?

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.