Blog

Leadership

How To Raise Independent Kids (Without Losing Your Mind)

Raising independent children is a major goal of healthy parenting and obviously so important. They’ll do better in school, be less likely to give into peer pressure when they know something isn’t right, have brighter careers, and generally know how to take care of themselves in a healthy, happy way.

But there is one thing you’re going to have to do if you’re going to instill her with an independent spirit—you’re going to have to let go a bit. And loosening the reigns can come with a teeny bit of parenting anxiety. “You’ll likely always think of her as your little girl—no matter how old she is—and your instinct might be to want to keep a watch over her and hold her hand through everything she does,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. “The truth is, though, that by giving her age-appropriate levels of independence and freedom, she’ll have a better chance of developing into a young woman who can stand on her own two feet and really succeed in whatever career or lifestyle she chooses.” And who doesn’t want that for their girl, right?

No matter your girl’s age, there are super simple ways to boost her independence little by little. Try out these tips and watch her grow and flourish before your eyes!

If She’s a Toddler or in Preschool…
Independent play is a great way to set her up as a self-starter. It’s only natural for her to want you to play with her—and interactive play is important to her development as well—but start setting aside some time for her to play by herself. Here’s how to do it: Set her up with some of her favorite toys, and then start doing an entirely different activity in the same or an adjacent room. As she plays by herself, she’ll have the security of knowing you’re nearby (and you can keep an eye on her!) while she tests the kiddie-pool waters of independence.

If She’s in Elementary School…
Making and packing her own lunch for school or camp will make her appreciate her mid-day meal a little bit more (who knew it took time and effort to make a sandwich?!)—plus, it will give her important life skills that will help her be more independent in the years to come. If she’s in early grades, work with her to make the lunch each day, giving her only the most age-appropriate tasks like putting the apple slices you’ve cut up into a sandwich baggie. As she gets older and is more responsible, she can experiment with making her own sandwiches or wraps.

If She’s in Middle School…
Depending on her maturity level, she’s probably ready to be left home alone for short periods of time. Before you head out and leave her as the queen of the castle, though, make sure to spend time teaching her how to handle emergency situations, going over house rules, and even addressing what to do if someone rings the doorbell or knocks on your front door. Make sure emergency numbers are kept by the phone and that you’ve come up with a list of activities she is allowed to do (or not) while you’re out. Stay nearby in the neighborhood the first time or two so you can get home quickly just in case. All of these things will build her confidence in being able to hold down the fort, and show her just how independent and strong she can be!

If She’s in High School…
Chances are, your older girl likes to go out with her friends and wishes she could stay out with them even later than her curfew. Instead of flatly saying, “no,” next time she asks, explain that if she wants something so grown up as a later curfew, she’s going to need to negotiate for it like she’s more grown up! Let her know you’re willing to hear her out, but that she’ll need to give you strong reasons why she needs a later curfew (it being “not fair” or “everyone else has a later one” doesn’t count!) and also offer up examples of how responsible she is or how and how often she might check-in with you, so that you’ll know you can trust her with a later curfew. Being a good negotiator is a huge step in being more independent that she’ll use throughout her life. And hey, if she’s got good points and has a good track record of being trust-worthy and making her earlier curfew, you might just want to let her stay out that extra 30 minutes.

This article originally appeared in GirlScouts.org.

Cookies

Help Her Save for a Big Purchase

You love your girl, so it’s only natural to want to fulfill her every desire and dream. In fact, like many parents, you probably sometimes wish you had even more to give her. All that said, there are times when the greatest gift you could give your girl is to not give her the things she wants, and instead to help her earn and save up for them herself. “That’s part of the gift of financial independence, one of the greatest gifts of all,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani-Archibald. “Learning how to budget money and spend it well at an early age can help her confidently make financial decisions for the rest of her life.”

And the truth is, this kind of real-life experience with money is something girls are hungry for. In a recent study conducted by Girl Scouts Research Institute, the top three financial literacy skills girls said they were hoping to learn were how to save money and plan for future goals in general, to make big purchases later in life—like a car or a home, and to pay for their education.

So how can you set her up to be a lifelong saver? Dr. Bastiani-Archibald says it’s simpler than you might think. “The next time your girl asks for something new—not an essential like socks or a backpack if hers has gotten worn out, but something that would be a treat, like a video game system or a new bike—explain the difference between wants and needs and tell her you’re excited to help her come up with a plan to save the money she’ll need to buy it herself.”

If she doesn’t already have a bank account, take her to the bank and help her set one up, then talk with her about how she will use the money she has and future money she may get through her allowance, small jobs she takes on, or holiday gifts.  “Teaching kids the ‘spend, save, give’ model of money management can be really helpful,” says Dr. Bastiani-Archibald. “Together, you can decide what percentage of her money she should put toward her big purchase, how much she should set aside for other spending, and how much she’ll give to benefit her community.”

Depending on her age, you can make a chart to hang in her room to keep track of her saving progress, help her follow along with her passbook from the bank, or encourage her to set up her own mini spreadsheet to keep track of her finances.

Help her celebrate milestones in her savings (the half-way point is a big deal, and also a time when she may need some encouragement to keep going!) and tell her how proud you are of the smart money decisions she’s making. By the time she’s saved up enough to make her big purchase, she will have learned important financial literacy skills that will last a lifetime.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

How to Deal When Her Friends Have More (Or…

Talking about money can make even the bravest, strongest among us squirm. Many of us were brought up to believe it’s impolite or even flat-out rude to bring up income, wealth, or financial struggles in conversation. But let’s face facts: Kids want to be like other kids, and when money matters come into play, they can feel ashamed about having less—or guilty over having more—than their friends. Financial inequality can be tricky for adults to navigate without having hurt feelings, but when you’re a child and are just learning about these things, it can be even harder to wrap your head around something that can seem unfair and beyond their control.

Obviously, regardless of your family’s financial situation, it’s important to help your girl realize and value the intangibles that she is rich in, above all else. She’s likely rich in friends, love, safety, joy, and so much more. And those are all things money can’t buy. Still, celebrating those things might not erase the hurt feelings that can happen when wealth inequality shows its face on the school playground.

It’s only natural for a girl to feel left out if she can’t afford to go the concert all her friends are going to, or if she doesn’t have the money to get the sneakers all her friends are rocking this year. “Don’t ignore her feelings,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Tell her that you understand why she’s disappointed, and then work together to try to find solutions to her real problem.” For example, if she’s worried about missing out on time with her friends at the concert, suggest that she invite friends over for a free or inexpensive activity that the girls can all get excited about, and that she can feel ownership of—like a sleepover, an afternoon of baking cookies, or a weekend picnic and afternoon soccer game. If she wants a certain brand of clothing or a particular video game that your family can’t afford to buy for her, help her save up for it herself. “Of course you should discuss what she can spend her own money on, but if it’s something reasonably appropriate that will make her feel like one of the group at school, there’s no need to discourage it—it just might take her a while to gather enough money!”

Another tool that can help combat the left-out feeling is confidence. Every girl in school could be wearing a certain brand of jeans, but if your daughter shows up in something totally different (i.e. something your family can actually afford!)—and wears it with pride and confidence—others might take note and start following her lead. Sometimes being different or not having as many resources available to you can actually help you be a leader!

All this said, sometimes kids with more money than their peers get teased or shunned on the playground—and that can feel rotten, too. If other children in your girl’s class—or even her friends!—call her “spoiled” or accuse her of “showing-off,” it could be because they feel uncomfortable  about not having as much as she does; but it could also be a sign that your daughter is being anything-but-modest about the things she has and places she gets to go. “Of course she feels excited about the new outfit she got over the weekend, or wants to talk about the vacation your family took over break,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but what she might not realize is that the other kids don’t have the same access to those pricier things.” Tell her that although it’s fun to share the things we’re excited about with friends, it’s important to not seem boastful about them, since that can lead to hurt feelings.

Talking directly about money matters can take some getting used to, but the more you discuss dollars (and sense) with your children, the more they’ll realize their financial status is nothing to be ashamed of. Bonus? Talking about money with your girl today will help set her up for a brighter financial future tomorrow. Win, win!

 This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.
Leadership

6 Tricks to Boost Her Confidence

You want your daughter to dream big and achieve huge things in her life—and the first step to that kind of success is helping her to believe she can do anything she sets her mind to. Steal these six boost-her-up secrets from Girl Scouts’ resident Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald and watch her confidence soar.

  1. Catch her being clever
    Kids are so terrific at observing life’s funniest, most puzzling, and inspiring moments. When your daughter helps you see a situation in a different light, tell her why what she said is so interesting and how she changed your thinking. It matters to her that you’re really listening, and that you appreciate what she has to contribute (which is a lot!).
  2. Switch up the compliments
    If she’s used to being praised on her looks (or even her singing voice or on her soccer prowess), make sure to tell her how great she is at other things, too. She’s got many talents, and should know that they’re all valuable—that her identity doesn’t have to depend on any one of them. As far as talking about how cute she is (I mean, come on, she’s adorable!) it’s fine to tell her she looks nice, but make sure those comments are sprinkled in amongst applause for her numerous skills and talents. She’s way more than just a pretty face!
  3. Work up a Sweat
    Whether you initiate an impromptu yoga session in the living room or challenge her to a round of hoops on the driveway, getting active with your daughter will boost her endorphins (and, thus, her mood) and also help her appreciate just how much her awesome body really can do—instead of only focusing on the way it looks.
  4. Ask for Her Help
    Has your daughter aced almost every video game out there? Have her give you some pointers the next time she’s sitting down for a game. Or if she’s the queen of Instagram filters and you’re, well, a little challenged in that department, have her walk you through her favorites. Whatever she’s great at, call her out on it and let her be the teacher for once. Putting her in an expert role will show your daughter that you value her knowledge, and give her leadership skills, too!
  5. Let Her Set the Trends
    Show curiosity about whatever she’s into right now—whether that’s horses, astronomy, or, well, whatever! She looks up to you, so when she sees you’re interested in the things she likes, too, she’ll feel even more confident in her choices and sense of self.
  6. Cheer Her On
    There will be times when your daughter will want to try out for or audition for things that are highly competitive, and that might not work out for her—that’s a good thing! Don’t discourage her from attempting a challenge just because she might not get picked. Instead, tell her how happy it makes you when she tries new things and really puts herself out there—and that you’ll be proud of her no matter what happens.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

5 Reasons to Let Her Get a Pet

“Moooom? Daaad? Anyone? Can I get a pet? I promise I’ll take care of it!”

Sound familiar?

Even if your girl hasn’t started pleading for a puppy, a kitten, or even a mouse, chances are, she will soon. The truth is that while pets are fun and exciting, they’re also a huge, often years-long commitment. Just like any other member of your household, they’ll need care and love, plus healthy food to eat, exercise, and regular doctor’s visits. Unlike other members of your household (one hopes!) they also need to be cleaned up after in a more, well, shall we say hands-on way.  If your family isn’t able to provide any one of those things, you should probably think twice about getting a pet. That said? If you’ve got the time and resources to add a furry (or scaly or winged!) friend to your crew, know that helping to raise a pet can have major benefits for your daughter as long as she’s mature enough to handle it. (One good indicator is whether or not she can pour herself a bowl of cereal. If she can, she can also feed the dog!) Learn about all the ways getting a pet can help your daughter be her best—and then think about heading to the local shelter. Your daughter’s new BFF is waiting!

  1. It’ll teach her responsibility
    Having another creature (even a fish!) depend on her for very basic things like food will help her understand the need to sometimes put others’ needs before her own.
  2. Her empathy will grow
    Understanding that her kitten didn’t mean to knock over her jewelry box (oops!), will bring her one step closer to understanding and empathizing with people in her life who mess up sometimes.
  3. Animals spark curiosity
    How do fish breathe underwater? Why does her hamster like to be awake at night? Can cats really see in the dark? When she gets to know her pet—whichever species it may be!—she’ll have all sorts of questions that can spark an interest in science and nature.
  4. Pets reduce stress
    In today’s day, even kindergarten can be nerve wracking, but you can help counterbalance life’s stresses by getting a pet. Studies show that pet owners are calmer and more relaxed than non-pet owners!
  5. She’ll be her most confident self
    She’ll be proud to be a new pet owner, and knowing she can take care of her new friend will make her feel like she can conquer all kinds of other new challenges, too!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

Teach Her to Shut Down Haters with Confidence

We’re all working to create a more peaceful world, where people are respectful of each other and bullying is a thing in the past, but in the meantime, there’s a good chance your daughter will encounter at least one instance of someone talking behind her back or hurting her feelings at school. Hearing that your girl is going through a hard time can be heartbreaking, but instead of immediately stepping in and trying to fix the situation for her, Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald says it’s better to arm her with ways to handle the situation herself if possible. “You won’t always be there to help her get through these kinds of situations,” she says, “so giving her the skills to both cope and make a situation better on her own will truly help her in life.”

Your daughter might think she’s dealing with a hater, but the truth is that neither she nor you know what’s actually going on in this other girl’s life, or what her motivations are for her behavior. “Listen to your daughter, and take her emotions seriously,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald says, “but also take a step back to determine how serious the situation really is. Is this a case of a girl your daughter wants to be friends with not wanting to be besties with her? A situation like that can be hurtful, but as long as the other girl is being respectful, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that behavior.” Explain to your daughter that different personalities sometimes just aren’t a natural match—but that this one girl’s lack of interest in friendship doesn’t mean she won’t find other girls who want to be friends in her class or on the playground. Encourage her to stop wasting energy on the one girl who doesn’t want to team up, and to instead focus on all the other potential friends she could be making. Just sitting at a different lunch table or trying out a different game at recess could open her world to a whole new group of kids.

That said, if what’s bothering her goes beyond a personality mismatch, to the point where another child is spreading rumors or purposefully doing things to humiliate your daughter or hurt her feelings, she might need some help on how to handle the situation. “It’s almost always effective to simply act as though the actions of the hater or bully don’t affect you, since usually the person in question wants a reaction and will get bored if nothing happens,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, but that’s often easier said than done.”

If your daughter wants to take action, urge her to resist the temptation to throw insults back at her bully or to say nasty things about her to others. That will only escalate the situation and bring your daughter down to the mean girl’s level. Instead, suggest that she ignore the taunts or mean behavior while others are around, and instead wait for a moment alone with the other person to bring up what’s been going on. “She can say something like ‘I’ve heard you’re saying these things about me—is that true?’ or ‘I’ve noticed you doing X, Y, Z’ and then ask the other girl why she’s been behaving that way,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, as it’s possible there’s been a misunderstanding between the two girls that could be cleared up in a one-on-one, non-accusatory conversation. If that’s not the case, and it’s clear the other girl simply doesn’t like your daughter, she can follow up by saying, “It’s okay if you don’t want to be friends, but I’d like to think we could at least be respectful of each other.” Help her practice using “I” statements like “When you _______, I feel ______.” Communicating her feelings clearly is a skill that will help your girl in situations throughout her life!

If none of this makes a difference, and your daughter is truly being tormented—or if there is a threat of violence—it’s time for you to step in. Talk to the parents of the girl in question and/or get a hold of school authorities who can help keep your daughter safe and help work out any conflicts that could be putting your daughter at risk.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

Scout Out Her Passions

Remember the thrill you felt when you scored your first ever soccer goal? Or how proud you felt getting flowers after a school play? Those experiences weren’t just fun ways to make new friends, they helped make you the confident, ambitious woman you are today. Plus, experts say kids who participate in extracurricular activities could actually do better in school. “Out-of-school experiences help girls develop real skills like teamwork and perseverance—skills that she’ll need to do well in school and throughout her life,” says Girl Scouts Chief Girl Expert, Developmental Psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald. With these tips, it’ll be fun and easy to find the right fit for your growing girl.

Explore Your Options
Check your school, parks and recreation department, museums, libraries, and community centers for activities that might be fun to try out. Additionally, ask other parents what their kids are involved with and whether they’re happy with the experiences. Then make a list of the activities that fit both your budget and schedule.

Ask These Questions
Is your daughter super imaginative? Perhaps something artistic would be a match. Does she love running around outside? Think about soccer or softball. Is she obsessed with Lego and figuring out how things work? A junior robotics club or coding class could be right up her alley. Remember that your daughter might not be into the same things you were as a child, no matter how much you wish that were the case! Really pay attention to her personality and then let her choose from a few options you think she might like.

Keep Her Interested
Tell her how proud you are of her for trying something new! If she can’t stop talking about how much fun she’s having in her new activity, you’ve probably found your match! Congrats! If she isn’t as enthusiastic, though, look into why. Maybe she’s not being challenged enough, or perhaps she’s not ready to be in such an advanced group. Ask her about her feelings and try to come up with solutions together—or talk to her teacher or coach to see if you can get her up to speed or help her feel more engaged. “Some activities simply might not be a match for your child, though,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes. “Of course it might be disappointing if you loved ballet or piano as a child and your daughter isn’t into it, but it’s important to recognize and value her unique personality and interests.”

Watch for Burnout
When you ask her about her activities, does she just shrug and say they’re “okay,” when two weeks ago, she couldn’t wait to tell her everything that she’d learned or accomplished? “If you notice that she’s not as excited as she used to be, try to find out why,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Having a very busy schedule with not a lot of downtime can make her overtired and make it hard for her to enjoy her hobbies as much as she would normally.” If that’s the case, sit down with her and see what can be adjusted in her schedule. Simplifying her week and her time obligations can help her enjoy her favorite things again. “But know that as a child grows, her interests may shift and change as well, so if she’s really not having fun anymore, it may be time to ditch that particular activity.”

Try Another Path
Struck out this time? Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again! Keep in mind the lessons you and your daughter learned together from your first go-round—what worked and what didn’t—when you choose the next activity to try. Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes that “there’s a whole fun world out there, and you and your girl will have an amazing journey exploring it together.”

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

Help Her Make the World She Dreams Of

When was the last time you sat down with your girl and encouraged her to make something—something she wanted to truly create—from scratch? In a society seemingly run by screens, it can be easy to forget about hands-on projects, yet those can be some of the most important activities for your girl to do. The act of making things isn’t just fun, it can set her up for major success in life.

“Making capitalizes on play-based experiences (the best way for kids to learn), and is also a wonderful entry to the world of STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) as kids are naturally curious and creative,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald. Plus, making emphasizes the process—the actual doing—rather than the end product in a way that so little in our lives does. From dreaming up ideas and designing projects to testing ideas and problem solving on her own terms, these hands-on projects are one of the best ways to keep your girl learning.

The art of creation also gives girls agency in a world where most things—where they live, when they go to school, even what they’re having for dinner—are usually out of their control. “Kids live in a world largely built and managed by adults,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “When they are given the freedom to make something entirely of their own imagination, designing how it looks and operates, they can feel true ownership and control in a way they don’t often have the opportunity to.”

Being able to follow through on an idea of your own is psychologically satisfying. “When a child—or anyone—dreams up a project, but then has to hand it over to someone else to execute, they’re giving away part of their power,” she continues. “Meanwhile, the process of transforming their idea into a tangible object or product allows that person to retain complete control over the look, feel, and function—and culminates with an amazing sense of pride.”

What counts as making, though? Really, lots of things! Your girl can make or build a:

  • Bird feeder
  • Website
  • Soapbox derby car
  • Campfire (with supervision!)
  • Basic robot
  • Kite
  • Short film or movie
  • Cooking project
  • A lemon battery
  • Gingerbread house
  • Cardboard hat or crown
  • Diorama
  • Comic book or flip book
  • Marble race track
  • Sandcastle
  • Duct tape wallet
  • Backyard stage set
  • Miniature sailboat
  • Paper airplane or glider
  • Costume
  • Mural
  • Song or musical composition
  • Mobile
  • Balsa wood model
  • Knotted friendship bracelet
  • Skateboard
  • Wind sock
  • Knitted scarf
  • Blanket fort
  • Dollhouse
  • Wind chime
  • Or anything else she sets her mind to!

You can play a big role in encouraging your girl to be a maker. Here’s how:

  1. Set aside an area in your home as a free-for-all making space. Creativity is rarely neat, and your girl needs to feel that it’s okay to explore and really get her hands dirty.
  2. Gather found objects your girl might be inspired to make things from. These can be paper towel tubes, excess tin foil, sticks, rocks, old scraps of fabric, string, rubber bands, random buttons, empty milk cartons or cardboard boxes, and even age-appropriate and safe pieces of outdated electronics and appliances. All of these items—along with some more traditional crafting supplies like glue, tape, paints, markers, and construction paper—will give her the materials she needs to get going. Open-ended creativity and building projects and toys can also be helpful.
  3. Set aside uninterrupted time for her to brainstorm projects and then actually make them.
  4. Ask her to talk you through what she made and why she made certain decisions. What does she like most about the project, and what (if anything) would she do differently next time?
  5. Take photos of her creations and create a Maker gallery on the refrigerator, in the hallway, or in her room.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

Raise Her to be a Team Player

One quality every leader really needs? Being able to work well as part of a team. Leaders who understand the need to pitch in, who take pride in contributing to the greater good, and who see the benefits of their work are typically more effective and happy in their lives. Plus? They’re a whole lot more employable.

There are lots of ways you can raise your girl to be a team player—from signing her up for team sports like softball or soccer to getting her involved in a Girl Scout troop—but one of the best ways starts right at home with basic chores. “Your family is the first team your girl will ever belong to,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Chores can help her recognize and appreciate her role and value within the family unit—especially if you start her out on chores when she’s young.”

And there’s apparently no such thing as too young to help around the house. “There’s no question that toddlers are a little too little to be doing their own laundry—they can’t even reach!” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “But even at that age, she can help you put her dirty clothing into the laundry bag.” In fact, there are all kinds of chores that are fully age-appropriate for your tiniest teammate. She’ll feel pride in wiping down surfaces with a damp cloth, putting away her own toys in bins and baskets, and helping you sort and fold socks out of the dryer. “Your preschool girl might take longer to finish a task than you would,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but teaching her that she has something to contribute from such an early age will pay off bigtime down the road.”

As your child gets older and stronger, she can start to take on more complicated responsibilities like taking out the trash, raking leaves, and even making simple family meals. Take the time to really teach her each of these new skills (perhaps by doing them with her the first few times) and then reinforcing how much her time and effort benefits the family as a whole. After all, when everyone takes part in the family responsibilities, they’re finished sooner, leaving more time for fun activities. Plus? Knowing how to do the laundry and cook simple meals will really help her out once she gets to college.

For parents who want to get their elementary school, middle school, or even high school aged girls started on chores—it’s never too late to teach accountability, responsibility, and teamwork through family chores. As your girl gets older, she’ll want more freedom—which is an important and natural part of development. Talk to your girl about the kinds of things she wants (maybe it’s going to a concert with friends, having a social media account, or even one day borrowing your car) and explain that she needs to demonstrate she can be responsible first. How can she do that? By pitching in around the house, staying organized, and showing that you (and the whole family!) can rely on her.

Chores are an amazing way your girl can show her maturity, while also gaining the skills and confidence she’ll need to be an independent, successful adult. And well, let’s be honest, it’s nice to have some help around the house, too!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.