Bullying

Why Tolerance Isn’t Working

A lot of people talk about the importance of teaching our children “tolerance.” And those people? Well, their intentions might be good, but in reality, their actions may be doing more harm than good.

Why? Well, think about the very word “tolerance” and the kinds of things you tolerate. We tolerate pain when necessary. We tolerate a friend’s bad mood. We tolerate a stressful day at the office. None of those things are good, but they’re things we have to suffer through anyway. Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, breaks it down for us: “When we use the word ‘tolerance’ and teach kids to tolerate those who are different from themselves—whether in skin color, nationality, their belief system, the language they speak, how they choose to dress or represent themselves, their physical abilities, sexual orientation, or body shape and size—we’re reinforcing differences and implying that those people are somehow beneath or worth less than others, but that we need to ‘put up with them’ anyway.”

And that view, that some groups of people who are different from us are less valuable, is damaging to our society as a whole. We will never create a culture free from fear, hate crimes, and targeted violence if we continue to simply preach tolerance. Tolerance is not enough.

This isn’t an issue of simply seeing and celebrating our similarities—although, of course that’s important, too. It’s also about helping our kids acknowledge our differences and to know those differences are exciting, cool, and vital to our world. “As Americans, diversity is our biggest asset,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “The best inventions, the most innovative and progressive ideas come out of this diversity, and yet there are loud voices in the media and on national stages who are sending conflicting messages about that. We need to combat those sentiments at home, with our children first. We need to teach them to look beyond stereotypes, embrace people different from themselves—and to actually value the variety of beliefs, customs, ideas, and experiences that they bring to the table.”

So, how can you do that?

First, check out your own perceptions of and behavior toward people who are different from you or your family. Your children learn how to navigate this world by watching you—so model inclusion and respect. Mention the attributes that make people in your life different from you and talk about why you think those things are interesting, wonderful, beautiful, or valuable. Tell your daughter how and why it’s important for you to hear different opinions of your friends, even those you might not agree with, because they help you learn and grow as a person.

Remind your kids that when they hear people saying hateful things about a person or group of people based on the color of their skin, background, or other distinguishing characteristics, that what they’re hearing is a stereotype. “Explain to your child that sometimes instead of taking the time to get to know or understand a person or a group, some people will take a short cut and make assumptions about them instead,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Talk to her about how stereotypes might play out in her life. For instance, if she’s in third grade, ask her if all third grade girls look like she does, act like she does, and think like she does. When she says, ‘No,’ make the connection between that kind of broad-stroke thinking and the kinds of stereotypes she might be hearing both on the playground at school and in the media.”

And perhaps most importantly, help introduce your children to a variety of people from all backgrounds and experiences. If the people in your friend group and social circle in general are very similar in most ways to your family, take the time to branch out and get to know some people who look, think, or live their lives in a different way than you do. Perhaps a local business is run by a family of a different ethnicity than yours, or maybe your neighbors practice a religion you aren’t too familiar with. Get to know these people! Yes, there may be some obvious differences between you, but chances are you also have many things in common. When your children see you not simply tolerating, but actually including people who are different from yourself, they will be more likely to do the same.

But what do you do if your child is the one who’s “different” in her school or town? What if she’s the one being treated differently or even bullied based on “isms” around her skin color, beliefs, or lifestyle? “No one wants to think that their child will be seen this way, but our world is far from perfect, and we know stereotyping and other hurtful behavior can start at an early age,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. Of course, just as any parent would, you want to encourage your child to be respectful and open. Going into a group situation by talking about something she has in common with the other children, be it a shared experience, a game they all enjoy playing, or a TV show or book that’s popular with most of her class—is a great way for any child to connect with others.

Still, many children learn prejudices from the adults in their lives, and might say hateful things or be abusive toward her. “If that happens,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “she needs to know that she can and should tell you or a trusted adult at school—and that you and her school administration will do everything in your power to keep her safe—emotionally and physically.” This isn’t even necessarily about disciplinary action (although it may need to be, depending on the situation), but more about finding ways to educate and open the minds of your child’s fellow-students. “It can feel very isolating and burdensome to be in this situation,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “because when it’s your child who’s facing prejudice, it often falls to you to take the lead and start working on solutions to the problem. Reach out to other parents and school officials (of all backgrounds—you might be surprised at who wants to be an ally) to form a network of support and start thinking of activities and other ways your child’s class and larger school community can be structured to foster inclusion and the best experiences for all.”

The bottom line? This might seem like a grown-up topic, but no child is too young to learn about appreciating and valuing other humans—especially those who might, at first glance, seem quite different from themselves. Talks around diversity, inclusion, and celebrating our differences need to be ongoing and present in our children’s lives, so get the conversation going if you haven’t already.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

5 Things Your Girl Might Say Instead of “I’m…

Being picked on, made fun of, or straight out bullied is traumatic in many ways—but it might also be something your girl feels uneasy telling you about. While you of course would want to support your girl in every way you can, she might worry that you’ll be disappointed in her—or even think the situation would only get worse if she asked for help. Additionally, there’s a chance that she doesn’t fully understand what’s going on or doesn’t want to be seen as overly sensitive, so she might not classify bullying behaviors as bullying—even when they clearly are. That said, she might be telling you something’s wrong in other ways. Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, has identified a few things your girls might say that could indicate a bigger problem.

1. “Can you drive me? I don’t feel like taking the bus.”
Sudden and repeated avoidance of her school bus, or of going to school altogether, can be a signal that those places feel unsafe to her. Try asking, “Who do you usually sit next to on the bus?” and see what she says. Or if she’s making excuses not to go to school, you could say something like, “I heard there’s been some bullying problems in our town. Do you ever see anybody being picked on or being treated badly at school? What happens?” The key is to look for any change in behavior. If she used to be fine with the school bus (or walking to school with friends, or any other activity) and suddenly wants to avoid it altogether, that’s a sign that something might not be OK.

2. “I lost my new notebook. Can we get a new one?”
Kids forget things on the playground or simply lose them from time to time, but if your girl seems to be losing her belongings all the time (or if her school supplies or clothes are routinely getting damaged), there’s likely something else going on. Saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been losing a lot of things lately. Do you think someone at school might be taking them from you on purpose to be mean?” or “I saw your backpack had some stuff written on it. Can you tell me about it?” gives your girl a safe opening to explain the situation.

3. “I’ll tell you about my day later, Mom. I really have to go to the bathroom first.”
Does your daughter always speed for the bathroom as soon as you get home? That could be a sign that she’s been bullied in the school bathroom (away from adult supervision) and now avoids using the school restroom altogether. Tell her you’ve noticed this new habit and ask if there’s a reason why she doesn’t use the restroom at school—maybe something bad or scary that keeps her from feeling safe there.

4. “I’ve just been cold lately. I’d rather leave my sweater on.”
If your girl seems to want to cover up her arms or legs more than usual, and even in warm weather or a heated home, it could be that she’s trying to hide bruises or cuts from a bully at school. Tell her you’ve been noticing that she’s acting differently and you might mention that sometimes kids hurt one another physically – other times with words.  Ask if she has ever witnessed this at school and what has happened?  Has she ever experienced it?  Let her know that you take both seriously and that if something like this is happening to her, you want her to come to you – to either strategize on how best to deal with it on her own or—so that you can deal with it together—perhaps by alerting a teacher or administrator.  Everyone deserves to feel safe at school.

5. “Practice was cancelled again, so I’ll be home right after school.”
It’s rare for sports practice or after-school clubs to be cancelled more than one week in a row. If your girl makes excuses to not go, or otherwise seems disinterested in group activities she used to enjoy, it’s possible that she’s being bullied by another child in that group. Try asking if she still likes that activity, or if she has friends or people she spends more time with on the team. If you know for a fact that practice wasn’t cancelled, let her know that, but make sure to let her know you’re not angry at her for lying, but more concerned about why she didn’t think she could be honest with you.  Dropping the team altogether or leaving the activity isn’t usually the best solution, so strategize with her (and her coach or activity leader, if necessary) to come up with alternatives.

The bottom line is to get your girl talking. Bullying can be a really tricky topic to get into, but it’s important to keep the lines of communication open—and for your girl to know you love her and are there to support her, no matter what. And remember, while it’s always great to cultivate independence and assist your daughter in solving social challenges directly and independently, bullying behavior can be more than many children can handle on their own.  Talk with her about your interest in alerting her teacher or an administrator at school to simply take a closer look at what’s going on, or to let them know about the situation. She needs to know you’re on her team.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

Could Your Daughter Be The School Bully?

Imagine this: You’re going about your day and get an unexpected phone call from your girl’s school. She’s physically fine (phew!) but what is wrong seems like your worst nightmare. The principal says your child has been bullying another student at school.

“Not my daughter!” you might think, because of course you see the best parts of your girl—her kindness, her funny sense of humor, and more than anything, her sense of right and wrong. But the truth is that even though you’d never dream that your girl could be the “school bully,” really anybody, regardless of what a good person they are, can engage in bullying behavior. People (kidsand adults) can bully others from time to time for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people feel pressured into it or pick on others to fit in with a certain group, because they feel powerless in other situations, because they’re looking for attention, or because they’re having trouble working out their own emotions and don’t know how to deal with them in a healthy fashion. The truth is, most people have been on both sides of bullying at one point or another in their lives. Of course none of those reasons make this kind of behavior OK or acceptable in any way, but thinking about it in these terms can help you get past the defensiveness and onto the problem-solving part of working through this issue.

While it’s absolutely vital to call out bullying and to correct the behavior, know that that’s exactly what it is—a behavior, not an identity. “No one should be defined by her actions,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, “which is why we should get away from calling kids ‘bullies’ when they’ve been engaging in bullying behavior with others. Using that term implies there’s nothing more to that girl or boy than those actions, and can make a child feel as if that’s all they’ll ever be, that they have no potential to be better. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Your job, as a parent, is to find out what was going on with your girl to cause her to act in this way so you can help her to recognize her behavior – in this instance and potentially others — and avoid engaging in it in the future. How can you do this? Follow these steps from Dr. Bastiani Archibald:

1. Take a deep breath
Just because your girl may have done something hurtful or bad doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent! Friendships, especially among girls, can be very tumultuous and it’s fairly common for girls to engage in relational aggression with other girls rather than talking things out directly (the latter can be difficult for some girls). Focus on moving forward and helping your girl to be more respectful of other kids, to recognize her feelings and speak directly about them. Teaching her to talk out her frustrations or sad feelings can go a long way in giving her alternatives to more subtle but sometimes even more hurtful behavior.

2. Ask your daughter what happened
Talking about the issue and making sure your daughter feels heard, rather than simply punishing her, is super important when it comes to improving her behavior. It will also give you a better understanding of what she believes happened, why it did, and perhaps her role in the situation.

3. Recognize the incident for what it really is
If your girl has repeatedly taunted or teased another child, threatened them, or physically hurt them in any way—that’s straight up bullying behavior. Make sure your daughter knows that, and understands that bullying is damaging and likely unhelpful to what she wants to accomplish. However, if the other child says your girl was bullying her by not inviting her to a party, or by choosing other children to play with at recess, you have a bit more investigating to do. Sometimes exclusionary behavior is purposeful and ongoing, in which case it falls under the umbrella of bullying and relational aggression, for sure. But if it’s simply that your daughter doesn’t feel the same feelings of friendship as this other girl, and she’s never been disrespectful or pointedly singled her out from a group, your girl may not have been bullying anyone at all. “It’s up to your daughter to decide who she connects with and who she doesn’t,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Sometimes, when a girl wants to be friends with another girl, but those feelings aren’t returned, it can be mislabeled as bullying when, in fact, she should be encouraged to choose her own friends based on shared values and interests. Still, talk to your girl about how it feels to be left out and encourage her to include this girl in some larger group activities when possible.”

4. Squash victim blaming
There’s a good chance your daughter will want to tell you what the other kid was doing to provoke her or even deny that there was any bullying going on at all. In these instances, pay attention to her feelings as well as her actual words. If this is the case, try saying something like, “It sounds like you were feeling really frustrated,” and then alternatively, try to talk about her about how it could have felt to be in the victim’s shoes. She might not even realize that her actions were unkind, so engaging her in some empathetic thinking can get her to understand the impact of her behavior. Empathy is something we get better at as we get older, and this is a great opportunity for you to help her develop this important quality.

5. Help her make things right
If what your girl did fell under the bullying umbrella, help teach your girl the value of and the art of delivering a meaningful apology. It’s human to mess up, but it’s negligent to never admit to your shortcomings and how your actions may have affected others. Either in person or in writing, encourage your girl to be specific, in her own words, about what she did that was hurtful and to explain how she can imagine that made the other child feel. This apology isn’t about tossing blame around—so make sure she’s not just starting a fresh argument by saying, “I’m sorry I did this, but you did that first!”—rather, it’s about your daughter taking responsibility for her own actions and expressing her desire to do better next time.

You may not always be able to be there with your daughter, making sure she’s on her best behavior (and that’s OK—you’re setting her up to learn how to navigate this world on her own!), but there are some things you can do to check in on her social behavior and catch any potential signs of bullying straight away. Pay attention to who she’s hanging out with or talking to online. If any friends suddenly disappear from the picture, ask her what’s going on with them or why you haven’t seen them lately. Ask about the girls she sits with at lunch and who does most of the talking. Are there some kids who want to sit with her at lunch, but she doesn’t want them to? When she and her friends engage in activities, is it always your girl who picks what they’re going to do, or do they trade off? Are there any kids at school that others are unkind to?

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

Should Your Kids Get An Allowance?

Whether or not to give kids an allowance, and how to do it right, can be a topic of hot debate among parents. “People differ strongly on this,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archiblad. “Many parents tend to revert to whatever they had growing up—but denying your child an allowance just because you didn’t have one isn’t a great idea. You’re doing your girl a disservice if you wait until she can legally make money to learn how to manage finances.”

Getting an allowance, and then making financial decisions with the money she accumulates over time, will teach her about the difference between wants and needs, the rewards of saving, and yes, even the dangers of impulse spending. “If your girl puts away her allowance for two months to get a new game or toy she’s been wanting, she’ll appreciate it and value it even more than if it was just handed to her,” Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes. Talk to her about her options and help set the pattern of saving, spending, and sharing with a charitable cause. Using cash in front of her, rather than credit or debit cards, will also help her see how real money is exchanged, and help her understand the real value and potential of the money she has.

Dr. Bastiani Archibald advises to give children weekly allowance in relation to their age—50 cents or a dollar per year (so a 10 year old would either get $5 or $10 a week)—and that you don’t tie it to chores or other responsibilities at home. “Of course your daughter should have chores around the house, as they teach her responsibility and teamwork, but she shouldn’t be rewarded with money for doing them,” she says.  “That kind of allowance structure could lead to a mindset where she expects rewards for doing just the bare minimum in life—not an attitude that will get her very far!”

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

6 Everyday Ways to Bust Gender Stereotypes

Want to make sure the girls in your life know they can do and be anything they want? Then it’s time to flex some muscle and start busting gender stereotypes! Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. puts it this way: “Kids have this amazing, natural ability to see the world as limitless, but when adults signal that certain things or behaviors are off limits for kids based on their gender, their worlds get smaller and smaller—and that’s not just sad, it can be damaging as well.”

Obviously, every parent has the best intentions, but sometimes it’s possible to unknowingly promote stereotypes that can fence your girl in. To make sure she understands she can accomplish anything she wants in life, try these six easy tips and encourage your friends, family, and neighbors to do the same!

  1. Let toys be toys—for girls and boys!
    Make sure your children get a wide variety of toys to play with. You never know what they’ll gravitate toward or why. “Maybe your son will love the mini kitchen playset, because he sees you cooking every day and wants to be like you,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “On the other hand, your toddler daughter might like toy trucks because she sees them drive through your neighborhood and likes to create scenarios around the things she encounters in her everyday world.” The point is that you won’t know what your child might really be into unless she’s given options and encouraged to seek out what interests her most. And if she prefers dolls over dump trucks? So be it! “There’s nothing wrong with a girl who loves playing tea party while wearing a dress, as long as it’s her choice and not the only option presented her.”
  2. Plan meaningful meet-ups
    Expose your children—boys and girls!—to women who’ve followed all sorts of paths in life. Your local fire department just hired a female firefighter? Stop by the station to say hi and thank her for her service. The woman next door is a computer programmer? Fantastic! Encourage your children to ask her about her career. “Women, even those with very successful careers in male-dominated fields, are still too often seen by children only as the ones who fix the snacks for the weekend soccer game,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Helping your little ones understand that the women in their lives have interests, passions, and careers outside of the family life they see will expand your children’s horizons and show them all the things women can be and do.” And don’t stop there! Look for kid-friendly biographies and autobiographies that showcase the amazing and wide-ranging achievements of girls and women all over the world. “She may not have the opportunity to meet a Supreme Court Judge or an astronaut in her neighborhood,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but that shouldn’t keep her from meeting the phenomenal women in those roles through books!”
  3. Watch, then talk
    After watching a movie or TV show with your girl, set aside some time to talk about what you’ve just seen, making sure to discuss how different genders were portrayed. Was the “smart” girl portrayed as nerdy or not as cool as the others? Was the main character male or female, and if he was male, would the story have made sense if they’d reversed that character’s gender? Explain that because TV shows and online videos have a short period of time to tell a story, they too often rely on visual cues—often stereotypes—to quickly communicate ideas about their characters. As Dr. Bastiani Archibald notes, “the more we help our girls look critically at the media and come to understand the negative impact of gender stereotypes, the better equipped they’ll be to defy them throughout their lives.”
  4. Think before you speak
    The way you speak about the women in your life (and yourself!) has a huge impact on the way your girl views herself. Be honest: When you give compliments to your girlfriends, your sisters, or your female coworkers, are they mainly about the things they wear or how they look? Try broadening what you praise in other women by noting the smart comment they made in a meeting, her ability to stay calm under pressure, or even her thoughtfulness for calling you during a busy day. “We need to do more to show girls all that they’re valued for,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Of course you think your girl is beautiful, and there’s no reason to not tell her so sometimes, but she—and all the women in your world—need to know they’re valued for so much more than just their looks.” And the same goes for negative comments. When your daughter hears you talking negatively about the way you or another woman looks, she’s learning to pick apart her own looks and judge others based on appearances. She’s looking to you as a role model in life, so if you want her to be kind to herself, you can show her how by being good to yourself first.
  5. Remember that chores have no gender
    When it comes to household responsibilities, families so often assign tasks in a very old-fashioned way without even realizing it. If you have a girl and a boy, does your daughter typically take care of domestic things like washing the dishes and setting the table, while your son is doing more physical tasks like mowing the lawn or climbing ladders to replace lightbulbs? “Put household responsibilities on a rotating schedule, so that everyone gets to try their hand at everything,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. “Having mastered these skills will benefit both your girls and your boys, showing them that there’s no such thing as men’s work or women’s work—it’s all just work!”
  6. Embrace Adventure
    Have an open weekend where you and your girl could do pretty much whatever you wanted? There’s nothing wrong with getting your nails done for some quality time, but make sure that’s not what you’re doing every time (or even most of the time) when you have a chance to bond. Change it up! Grab a basketball and head to the courts in your local park. Check out the new laser tag place in town to see what the fuss is all about. Heck, grab some wheels and cruise on over to the skate park. Engaging girls in active sports, especially those not traditionally seen as “ladylike” helps her see her body as strong and capable, and not just “pretty.” Plus, it’ll teach her from an early age that the fun of sports isn’t just something for boys to enjoy—she belongs in these places and on these teams, too.
 This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.
Leadership

Set Her Up For An Amazing Career

Who runs the world? Girls! Or at least they will soon. This generation of girls (probably including your daughter!) is seemingly more career-minded than any generation before them. Not so sure about that? Let’s look at the facts: a 2013 study by the Girl Scouts Research Institute found that 98 percent of girls want to have a job or career when they grow up, and that eight out of ten would rather make their own money than marry someone who could support them financially.

All that said, your ambitious girl likely has big ideas and dreams about her future in the working world, so follow these tips to help make her dreams come true!

  1. Take her to work
    If you have a career yourself—be it catering, woodworking, or managing the budget of a local company—make sure your daughter knows what it is you do at work all day by actually taking her with you once in a while! Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, which falls on the fourth Thursday of every April, is an excellent opportunity to do just that, but if that isn’t convenient for you, your company, or your girl’s school schedule, consider bringing her in one day during her summer holiday. Once you’ve gotten your boss’s approval for your daughter’s visit, you can start planning your day. Take her on a tour of your workplace, introduce her to colleagues, and make sure to explain what you’re doing and why so she understands your contributions to the team.  Seeing you in your element, learning about the skills necessary to perform your job, and understanding why your job makes you feel good about yourself will inspire her and help her sharpen her own future goals. And if you’re a stay at home parent? Ask family members, neighbors, or friends if your daughter can tag along with them for a day.
  2. Talk about her passions
    Whether your daughter says she wants to be an astronaut or a fashion designer (or both!) when she grows up, ask her what she finds so cool about those jobs and help her learn more about what it takes to succeed in those areas. Nurture and support her dreams by helping her find age-appropriate books related to the field or fields she’s most interested in. Of course she may change her mind a few times or lose interest in a certain career path after learning more, and that’s okay! The key is to broaden her horizons and help her explore the limitless options in front of her.
  3. Help her find a role model (or ten)
    Work together to identify some women who have accomplished the goals your daughter has set for herself in life. If these people live or work in your town, see if you can set up  meet and greets so your daughter can learn a bit more about their work. If these people are more not as accessible, help your girl to reach out via social media or through a letter to ask about these women’s career paths and what advice they might have to share. You might not hear back from everyone, but you’d be surprised how many women want to encourage the dreams of girls!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Cookies

Help Her Be Financially Savvy For Life (Even If…

Your girl is going to need to know how make smart decisions when negotiating pay, budgeting, spending, saving, and investing later in life—and it’ll all be a lot easier for her if she starts learning now.  And the great news is that you don’t have to be a financial whiz to help her learn all about money matters. Borrow these fun (yes, we said fun!) ways to help your daughter get comfortable managing money. She’ll learn a lot in the process, and you just might pick up a thing or two as well!

1.  Play with money
When your girl is old enough to do very basic math (addition and subtraction), get some fake money at a toy store, or make your own using colorful construction paper—your girl can help!—and then set up a “shop” with some of her toys and books. Put prices on the objects and then give her some of the fake money to spend. She’ll love play-acting a situation she sees you in all the time at the market or department store, and she’ll get a healthy dose of financial literacy training out of it, too!

2.  Get competitive
Designate one evening each week to “game night” and choose games that involves buying, selling, budgeting, investing, and money strategies in general. Classics like Monopoly and The Game of Life are obvious choices, but newer games including The Settlers of Catan teach an even richer variety of financial lessons, including the value of relationships and partnerships, patience (she should know there’s no such thing as a legit get rich quick scheme!), and the importance of diversifying your investments.

3.  Let her be a CEO
Running her own business is a sure-fire way to help her understand the value of hard work and the satisfaction of earning, but make sure to help her learn the all-important lessons of how she handles the money she earns once she’s closed up shop. Programs like the Girl Scout Cookie program help girls set financial goals, handle transactions, keep track of her earnings, and budget for the things she wants to spend them on. These kinds of hands-on experiences will help her thrive as she becomes a financially independent adult. So, whether she’s selling lemonade or Thin Mints, make sure to talk to your girl about her experiences and encourage her along the way!

4.  Help her finance a party
Her birthday is such a special time of year—a time to recognize her growth and the joy she brings to your family every day—but it can also be a perfect time to help her hone her money skills—especially if you’re planning to host a party in her honor. At least a month in advance, tell your girl that since it’s her big day, you want her to be able to make some of the important decisions involving what it will be like, how many guests will be invited, and where it will be held. Sit down with her and help her make a list of all the things she’d like to have at her party. Perhaps those include a cake, decorations, entertainment, a fun activity, and snacks.  Make sure to also discuss location—having it at home won’t cost a dime, but hosting the party at the local roller rink or laser tag arena will take a chunk out of her budget! Once she’s come up with her list, help her find out the prices for each of the things she wants (even if they’re outlandish!). If her “dream party” comes in over budget—and it’s not a bad thing if it does—help her prioritize the elements that are most important to her and spot places where she might be able to save a few dollars. If she really wants to have her party at the zoo, but the cost of admission eats up a bunch of the budget, perhaps she invites fewer friends. Or if the fancy cake she’d been thinking of will cost a bundle, perhaps she can make a simpler cake at home. In the end, she’ll feel ownership and pride in the event, and will take away a ton of money smarts, too!

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Leadership

How To Raise Independent Kids (Without Losing Your Mind)

Raising independent children is a major goal of healthy parenting and obviously so important. They’ll do better in school, be less likely to give into peer pressure when they know something isn’t right, have brighter careers, and generally know how to take care of themselves in a healthy, happy way.

But there is one thing you’re going to have to do if you’re going to instill her with an independent spirit—you’re going to have to let go a bit. And loosening the reigns can come with a teeny bit of parenting anxiety. “You’ll likely always think of her as your little girl—no matter how old she is—and your instinct might be to want to keep a watch over her and hold her hand through everything she does,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. “The truth is, though, that by giving her age-appropriate levels of independence and freedom, she’ll have a better chance of developing into a young woman who can stand on her own two feet and really succeed in whatever career or lifestyle she chooses.” And who doesn’t want that for their girl, right?

No matter your girl’s age, there are super simple ways to boost her independence little by little. Try out these tips and watch her grow and flourish before your eyes!

If She’s a Toddler or in Preschool…
Independent play is a great way to set her up as a self-starter. It’s only natural for her to want you to play with her—and interactive play is important to her development as well—but start setting aside some time for her to play by herself. Here’s how to do it: Set her up with some of her favorite toys, and then start doing an entirely different activity in the same or an adjacent room. As she plays by herself, she’ll have the security of knowing you’re nearby (and you can keep an eye on her!) while she tests the kiddie-pool waters of independence.

If She’s in Elementary School…
Making and packing her own lunch for school or camp will make her appreciate her mid-day meal a little bit more (who knew it took time and effort to make a sandwich?!)—plus, it will give her important life skills that will help her be more independent in the years to come. If she’s in early grades, work with her to make the lunch each day, giving her only the most age-appropriate tasks like putting the apple slices you’ve cut up into a sandwich baggie. As she gets older and is more responsible, she can experiment with making her own sandwiches or wraps.

If She’s in Middle School…
Depending on her maturity level, she’s probably ready to be left home alone for short periods of time. Before you head out and leave her as the queen of the castle, though, make sure to spend time teaching her how to handle emergency situations, going over house rules, and even addressing what to do if someone rings the doorbell or knocks on your front door. Make sure emergency numbers are kept by the phone and that you’ve come up with a list of activities she is allowed to do (or not) while you’re out. Stay nearby in the neighborhood the first time or two so you can get home quickly just in case. All of these things will build her confidence in being able to hold down the fort, and show her just how independent and strong she can be!

If She’s in High School…
Chances are, your older girl likes to go out with her friends and wishes she could stay out with them even later than her curfew. Instead of flatly saying, “no,” next time she asks, explain that if she wants something so grown up as a later curfew, she’s going to need to negotiate for it like she’s more grown up! Let her know you’re willing to hear her out, but that she’ll need to give you strong reasons why she needs a later curfew (it being “not fair” or “everyone else has a later one” doesn’t count!) and also offer up examples of how responsible she is or how and how often she might check-in with you, so that you’ll know you can trust her with a later curfew. Being a good negotiator is a huge step in being more independent that she’ll use throughout her life. And hey, if she’s got good points and has a good track record of being trust-worthy and making her earlier curfew, you might just want to let her stay out that extra 30 minutes.

This article originally appeared in GirlScouts.org.

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Help Her Save for a Big Purchase

You love your girl, so it’s only natural to want to fulfill her every desire and dream. In fact, like many parents, you probably sometimes wish you had even more to give her. All that said, there are times when the greatest gift you could give your girl is to not give her the things she wants, and instead to help her earn and save up for them herself. “That’s part of the gift of financial independence, one of the greatest gifts of all,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani-Archibald. “Learning how to budget money and spend it well at an early age can help her confidently make financial decisions for the rest of her life.”

And the truth is, this kind of real-life experience with money is something girls are hungry for. In a recent study conducted by Girl Scouts Research Institute, the top three financial literacy skills girls said they were hoping to learn were how to save money and plan for future goals in general, to make big purchases later in life—like a car or a home, and to pay for their education.

So how can you set her up to be a lifelong saver? Dr. Bastiani-Archibald says it’s simpler than you might think. “The next time your girl asks for something new—not an essential like socks or a backpack if hers has gotten worn out, but something that would be a treat, like a video game system or a new bike—explain the difference between wants and needs and tell her you’re excited to help her come up with a plan to save the money she’ll need to buy it herself.”

If she doesn’t already have a bank account, take her to the bank and help her set one up, then talk with her about how she will use the money she has and future money she may get through her allowance, small jobs she takes on, or holiday gifts.  “Teaching kids the ‘spend, save, give’ model of money management can be really helpful,” says Dr. Bastiani-Archibald. “Together, you can decide what percentage of her money she should put toward her big purchase, how much she should set aside for other spending, and how much she’ll give to benefit her community.”

Depending on her age, you can make a chart to hang in her room to keep track of her saving progress, help her follow along with her passbook from the bank, or encourage her to set up her own mini spreadsheet to keep track of her finances.

Help her celebrate milestones in her savings (the half-way point is a big deal, and also a time when she may need some encouragement to keep going!) and tell her how proud you are of the smart money decisions she’s making. By the time she’s saved up enough to make her big purchase, she will have learned important financial literacy skills that will last a lifetime.

This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.

Bullying

How to Deal When Her Friends Have More (Or…

Talking about money can make even the bravest, strongest among us squirm. Many of us were brought up to believe it’s impolite or even flat-out rude to bring up income, wealth, or financial struggles in conversation. But let’s face facts: Kids want to be like other kids, and when money matters come into play, they can feel ashamed about having less—or guilty over having more—than their friends. Financial inequality can be tricky for adults to navigate without having hurt feelings, but when you’re a child and are just learning about these things, it can be even harder to wrap your head around something that can seem unfair and beyond their control.

Obviously, regardless of your family’s financial situation, it’s important to help your girl realize and value the intangibles that she is rich in, above all else. She’s likely rich in friends, love, safety, joy, and so much more. And those are all things money can’t buy. Still, celebrating those things might not erase the hurt feelings that can happen when wealth inequality shows its face on the school playground.

It’s only natural for a girl to feel left out if she can’t afford to go the concert all her friends are going to, or if she doesn’t have the money to get the sneakers all her friends are rocking this year. “Don’t ignore her feelings,” says Girl Scouts Developmental Psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald. “Tell her that you understand why she’s disappointed, and then work together to try to find solutions to her real problem.” For example, if she’s worried about missing out on time with her friends at the concert, suggest that she invite friends over for a free or inexpensive activity that the girls can all get excited about, and that she can feel ownership of—like a sleepover, an afternoon of baking cookies, or a weekend picnic and afternoon soccer game. If she wants a certain brand of clothing or a particular video game that your family can’t afford to buy for her, help her save up for it herself. “Of course you should discuss what she can spend her own money on, but if it’s something reasonably appropriate that will make her feel like one of the group at school, there’s no need to discourage it—it just might take her a while to gather enough money!”

Another tool that can help combat the left-out feeling is confidence. Every girl in school could be wearing a certain brand of jeans, but if your daughter shows up in something totally different (i.e. something your family can actually afford!)—and wears it with pride and confidence—others might take note and start following her lead. Sometimes being different or not having as many resources available to you can actually help you be a leader!

All this said, sometimes kids with more money than their peers get teased or shunned on the playground—and that can feel rotten, too. If other children in your girl’s class—or even her friends!—call her “spoiled” or accuse her of “showing-off,” it could be because they feel uncomfortable  about not having as much as she does; but it could also be a sign that your daughter is being anything-but-modest about the things she has and places she gets to go. “Of course she feels excited about the new outfit she got over the weekend, or wants to talk about the vacation your family took over break,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald, “but what she might not realize is that the other kids don’t have the same access to those pricier things.” Tell her that although it’s fun to share the things we’re excited about with friends, it’s important to not seem boastful about them, since that can lead to hurt feelings.

Talking directly about money matters can take some getting used to, but the more you discuss dollars (and sense) with your children, the more they’ll realize their financial status is nothing to be ashamed of. Bonus? Talking about money with your girl today will help set her up for a brighter financial future tomorrow. Win, win!

 This article originally appeared on GirlScouts.org.